Every Man Will Face A Similar Crisis

At 36, I hit a crisis. I got a job that seemed to solve my problems and meet my growing needs. I had been in an executive role with a church for about two years, and our fourth daughter had just been born. I had the woman of my dreams and a wonderful family, but inside, I felt lonely and disconnected from my true self.

I hid my desires and focused on giving my best to everyone else, which led to severe health problems. I tried to excel at work, prioritizing the senior leader and organizational goals over my core values. I also put my family’s needs and my wife’s desires ahead of my own. I believed that sacrificing myself was what a good Christian man should do. However, I now see that this approach only led to a fragmented and unfulfilled life.

Despite my efforts, it was never enough. I couldn’t keep everyone happy. Life was overwhelming with our new baby, and the demands kept piling up. I kept asking myself, “How am I going to handle all this responsibility?”

At work, I avoided conflict, and at home, I kept the peace, but this left me feeling like an empty shell. No one knew the burden I was carrying. I became passive-aggressive, letting others have their way without expressing my own needs.

My wife and I committed to 40 days of prayer and fasting, and I reached out to other men for support. One man deeply betrayed my trust, and my attempts to have others fix my problems only increased my insecurity. The stress and pressure kept growing.

It became clear that the organization wasn’t changing. Despite my wife’s request, I resigned. My self-righteous attitude nearly ruined my life. During an 18-month period of reflection, my wife and I learned about the Enneagram, and I saw the pain and distrust I had caused her.

I realized that my “good guy” behavior was unhealthy and was preventing me from living the life I wanted. I started opening up, joining a men’s group, and getting executive coaching. Gradually, I began to heal and become a wholehearted person.

I noticed that many ambitious married men I worked with in marriage therapy had the same struggles:

“I give to everyone else…”
“I have hidden aspirations that I want to pursue.”
“All I can think about is work.”
“Why can’t I get the love and respect I deserve?”
“Since having kids, our sex life is routine or non-existent.”
“I can succeed at work and make money, but feel empty at home.”

I’ve learned that the “good guy” path is harmful, causing men to become apathetic or angry instead of living an integrated, purpose-filled, wholehearted life.

I am convinced that every man will face a similar crisis.

Unfortunately, many men will not embrace the opportunity for growth, instead resorting to futile attempts to fix it themselves. This often leads to stories of successful men who seem to have it all but are secretly struggling. Living a divided life is exhausting and leads to emptiness.

I have made it my mission to restore and strengthen the hearts of men, their marriage, and work.